more musings on what's going wrong in my life

I was sitting in a cab heading home this evening, and I suddenly had a scary thought. If I were to disappear, it would likely be a couple of days before anyone noticed that I was missing.

I think this says something about the kind of life I lead. A rather introverted one. If I didn't show up for work for a couple of days, my coworkers would assume I was sick or on vacation. My boss would probably assume that I'd told her I was taking a vacation and she forgot. I don't see my friends every day. If I didn't respond to an email or voicemail, they would assume I was busy - it would probably take three days of non-response before they realized that something was really wrong, because that's just the non-intrusive way we are. My family, I see and speak to even less. Now that I have a roommate, at least temporarily, this might get cut to two days. We aren't really in each other's faces much - if I didn't come home one night, I doubt his first inclination would be "she's dead in a ditch." I am one roommate away from being "one of those...deaths that no one notices for two weeks until the smell drifts into the hallway" (to quote "When Harry Met Sally") and who, in the meantime, has her face eaten by her cats.

I've cultivated a life filled primarily with acquaintances I see occasionally, and friends that I communicate with more online than in person. How did I create this life for myself? Is it the one I really want? Why is it so difficult for me to create close ties? Do I reject people before they have the chance to reject me?

Most of the time, I really do enjoy my solitude. But how do I deal with this feeling that humans are supposed to be part of a pair (something I truly want as well)? That we're all supposed to have another person that is our first phone call, that is watching out for us, just as we are for them? In first grade field trips, everyone is assigned a buddy so that no one is lost or left behind. As adults, we have to find our own buddies. And sometimes, you can be surrounded by people who love you, but who all love some else more. There's an inherent loneliness in not being at the top of anyone's list. That's what being part of a pair, what a relationship, what love, is about - being at the top of each other's lists. Being the one who worries, who remembers, who notices. How do you ignore that ache of never being first and most important?

Why does it all have to be so goddamn complicated.

I've been suffering from insomnia pretty much all week, so if this is maudlin and rambling, please forgive me.