I mentioned Friday that I am insanely busy, which I am. In an email, one of my friends reminded me that I like to keep busy, a side effect of my slight bipolar. And I do like to keep busy, to an extent, but I also need ME time to recharge, and it's been in short supply lately. The black circles under my eyes are getting worse, especially because I can't seem to fall asleep before 12:30 or 1 in the morning. but I don't know that it's so bipolar-related.
I think she really hit the nail on the head when she said, "you like to feel like you're critical to any project."
This is the one neurosis that therapy never cured me of. I have this desperate need to feel essential to other people. I have this sort of loneliness inside me that comes from no one in my life finding me as important as I find them - not being number one on anyone's list. It's sad, i know, but it's persuasive, and it actually guides quite a bit of what I do - trying to prove myself and my importance to other people. Even though I know that it doesn't work in the way I truly want it to - projects like these only temporarily fill that need. I don't know what created that need, but it's something I just can't shake.
9.17.2007
on the couch
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2 comments:
i used to have that same feeling. sometimes it still rears up. . .i've tried through therapy to focus on me. i'm the most important person to me. it's helped some.
I have a thing where I feel like I am nowhere near as good of a friend as my friends are to me, and I always feel guilty about it cause I don't always know how to show it. So for the record, I think you are amazing, and I am so happy to be able to call you a friend. And although I don't always make it to parties or gatherings even when I desperately want to, it isn't an indication of what I think about you as a person. Cause I think the world of you. FYI.
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