the endless new year's diet plan

So once again, I'm going to try to lose weight. Currently, I weigh 12 lbs more than I did when I tried to lose weight two years ago. Strangly, the pants that I owned then all pretty much still fit - I think I'm putting it on more in my torso than in the lower regions.

But, I'm starting to see the hint of a double chin, and I have some fat in some yucky places. So I really, really need to lose at least 30 lbs, to start. My ideal weight would probably mean losing another 10-20 on top of that. But let's be realistic, shall we? My first goal is to lose 15 lbs.

So, I'm now exercising for 30 minutes at least every other day. I'm cutting back to 1200 calories. I just signed up for an online diary thingy that keeps track of what you eat, how much you exercise, etc.

I started this on January 2, and already I've lost the four holiday pounds I had put on, so now I'm at my pre-holiday weight, so this is where I consider myself to be "starting."

Current weight loss total:
+/- 0

runnin' down a dream

In an effort to lose about 20 lbs (of which I've lost 2 so far), I decided to start walking three days a week. I went on my first walk yesterday evening, planning to do a brisk walk of 2 miles to start.

As I was walking, I thought "How much can I jog?" Turns out - about 1 1/2 to 2 blocks at a time. So over the course of the 16 blocks, I jogged a total of 5. For a person who can't climb the steps to the train platform without being completely out of breath, this was something of an accomplishment.

My goal is to be able to job the entire two miles by the end of October. I'm notoriously bad at sticking to stuff like this, so we'll see how it goes.

randoms

It seems I'm finally on the tail end of the Head Cold that Ate Detroit. It's been two weeks, and finally today I DON'T feel like I'm going to keel over at any minute.

Whenever I could wrangle it, I spent a lot of time on the couch, watching TV and resting, which means I got a lot of knitting done. I finished a mile-long scarf for Sparks, and at current, am working on a sweater for my friend H.'s chihuahua. He's one of those tiny dogs that thinks he is very fierce, so he is getting a black sweater with a gray skull-n-crossbones on the back. It's super-macho, and will keep his tiny little body warm!

I wish I had lot of super interesting things to talk about, but my life the last few weeks has been homework, TV and sleep. I did watch a really interesting documentary on the History Channel last night about the Dark Ages, called, of course, "The Dark Ages" - check it out if you get a chance. Also one called "The Plague" on the black death of the 1450s. Last night was a very upbeat evening.

I'm still trying to figure out this whole body-image thing. Maybe I need to set some easy, but strict, goals for myself and set about meeting those first. Maybe I try to do too much at the start and freak myself out and give up. First goal, to lose ten pounds. That alone will get me to a weight I haven't been in years.

laziness vs. willpower

Once again, I seem to have dipped down into the land of negativity. I tend to be a bit of a pessimist by nature (though I prefer to think of it a being a realist). What I've realized recently is that I have really high expectations of the way things should be, and when those expectations aren't met, I get discouraged. For example, the world being the fucked up place it is, the fact that it only seems to be getting worse, and the fact that I feel powerless to make changes overwhelms me, and I decend in to Weltschmerz.

The problem comes in that I allow myself to get overwhelmed by this, and use it as an excuse to give up on other things. Like the fact that I have very poor self-discipline. I've become engrossed in this Weltschmerz, and it's given me permission to default on the smaller things, the things I want to change that might make me happier.

The point is, that I'm going to work on looking for more positives, on trying to focus more on the small picture and the good that can happen there. Especially, I'm going to try to focus more on me. I've made some promising changes already, like no longer biting my nails, and doing a great deal more "intellectual" reading. The area where I can't seem to retain my discipline, though, in in my weight and health. Again and again I try, and again and again my self-discipline falls apart within weeks. Ultimately, I think I am in fact lazy.

The thing is, there are things I want in life, and I'm fairly sure that being overweight and lazy and tired are holding me back from getting them. Maybe not directly, but in the way I see myself, and the way others see me, and in the energy I have to devote to making the bigger changes.

I guess I'm trying to find the event horizon where being fat and lazy is more repugnant to me than exercise and salads. because let's be honest - wouldn't we all rather spend our time on the couch with soda and cupcakes, watching TV, as opposed to on the treadmill?

How do people make that decision to devote themselves? What is the driving factor? Because even though I know that losing about 40 pounds would change a lot of things in my life, I can't get to the point where I can consistantly make myself do the things that I have to do. There's this "better" version of me out there somewhere. Maybe because I've never seen it, because I've been chubby since I was about 12, it seems too abstract. Is it easier for people who were once thin, and became fat, to find that motivation? They know what they could be, have some tangible memory of what their better version is. I can't imagine what I'd look like in a bathing suit without my oversized hips and thighs. It's not even real to me, and so the idea of diet and exercise changing anything about how I look or feel seems so foreign. I mean, this is who I am. This is how I've always looked, how I've always felt. I don't know what the better is that I'm supposed to be striving for.

Somehow, I have to find the willpower to get through the first few months, until I get to a point where I can see or feel some sort of difference that will motivate me.

just call me pudge (ok, don't really)

So last week I hit a weight milestone - the highest my weight has ever been.

Obviously, I'm not really pleased about it.

The weird thing is that my weight has fluctated within a 20 lb radius for the last 3 or 4 years, and I've never really been able to tell what I weigh. My clothes fit the same, my body looks the same...

Now, suddenly, I can really tell, even though I'm not that far out of that 20 lb radius. I suddenly have just a hint of a double chin, and I can see the weight on my torso. My clothes pretty much fit the same, thankfully...

This, more than anything else, is driving my new diet and exercise plan. I feel like I just crossed over to fat. I've never been happy with my body, but this is totally new territory. I have to do something now - it's only going to get worse.

I'm sure this entry has just made me oh, so desirable to any possible dates that wander across this blog.

I am never going on a date ever again. I'm going to be the fat cat lady forever.

manipulation station

One of my favorite bloggers, Maggie Mason, wrote a post last week about the film "The Holiday" and how in the film, Kate Winslet ends up with Jack Black.

It seems to me that for a woman to play opposite a guy as good looking as Kate Winslet, they’d tell her to lose a hundred and fifty pounds and consider plastic surgery...I can’t remember the last time I saw a movie where the girl wins a stunning guy on the basis of her awesomeness. In the few examples I can think of, the guy overcoming a woman’s lack of conventional hotness is a central plot point. In movies, awesomeness only seems to really count if you’re a boy, and that makes me want to punch something.

Most of the comments on Maggie's blog completely miss the point she's making, telling her 'it's a great movie, you should see it before you comment,' or that they think Jack Black is funny, so that makes him cute. I wrote this most of this long post in her comment box, before realizing it was way too long for comments.

It has nothing to do with whether the movie is good or not (it looks good and I do want to see it). It has nothing to do with whether women are attracted to funny, conventionally unattractive men (I am!).

The point is that in the media, men aren't attracted to funny, unconventionally attractive women. It's a complete double standard that is being perpetuated by Hollywood - because you see old/unattractive men with hot women, but almost never see old/unattrative women with hot guys. Think about film and TV pairings, and ask how often the woman is the less attractive one. How many Hollywood leading women are not smoking hot? How many Hollywood leading men are not smoking hot?

What kind of messages is this sending? What is this consciously or unconciously telling us about what we as women and they as men should be attracted to? Because Hollywood doesn't reflect society as much as it helps to shape it. These subconcious messages are repeated over and over in films, TV and advertising, that women are only attractive when they are physically attractive.

Think about the furor over those Dove ads last year - there were all kinds of opinion articles out there from guys who said that seeing these "fat" women on billboards was disturbing to them, they didn't want to see size 8 or 10 women on billboards. Never mind that the women on the billboards were the same size or smaller than most of the women these men knew. These men have been trained to find a certain kind of body type (that maybe 5-10% of women have?) attractive. Women of a normal body type were "gross." If it had been a billboard of normal looking men, would women have had such violent reactions?

And it's not "instinctive" for men to find skinny women attractive, as some might claim. What is attractive has changed many times, and in many cultures, over history. 50 years ago, Marilyn Monroe was the hottest of hot - and she was a size 10, I think? Pale, white skin used to be attractive in Victorian England, as it was a sign of wealth (not having to work outside). Some cultures prize big hips, because it means a woman can bear children.

Society, and especially the media, condition men and women into what they believe is attractive - and who is in charge of most of this media? Who gets to pair funny balding men with physically attractive women? And why do they do this?

Who spends billions of dollars each year on getting skinny and looking attractive, men or women? Why do women wax, pluck, highlight, polish, suck in, wear killer high heels? What's convinced us that this is how we have to look in order for men to find us attractive? What's convinced men that only women who do this ARE attractive?

This is the point I think Maggie was going for.

bruiser

I played two football games this weekend for the Playground in the theater football league. I'm pretty freakin' sore right now, especially because I managed to be behind one of the guys when he jumped fof a catch and pretty much landed on me. I think he weighed less than me, but i took a cleat to the shin and have an awesome bruise developing there. i'm just hoping i can still walk to tomorrow.

the league rules are 6 on 6, with at least one girl on the field at all times. the last couple of seasons, I was the only girl. thankfully, this year there were more of us, which means that i'm not the only one playing the entire game.

i'm pretty unathletic, to say the least, but i love playing football with the PG guys because despite the fact that I suck and i'm a girl, they still treat me like an equal. they work me into plays, try to get the ball to me once in a while, and generally don't treat me like something in the way, to be worked around. i suppose my foul mouth and superspirit also help in making me part of the team.

i now have a ton of writing for school that i need to work on. i'm totally procrastinating right now.

desperation

SO, it's been almost two weeks since I gave up soda and all other beverages but water. I've been doing pretty well, except for a few alcoholic beverages on some nights out. But NO soda. I'm drinking more water, which has to be good. But not losing any weight. Likely because i'm craving sugary foods to make up for the lack of sugar and caffeine in my diet. And I'm still badly craving a Coke.

In my fridge is a can of Orange Fanta. When I moved into my apartment over two years ago, that can of Fanta was the only thing in the fridge, the only thing left behind in the entire apartment. My goal is to leave the can there until I move out, and leave it behind for the next person to find.

Last night, I dreamt that I drank the two-year old can of orange Fanta.

hydrated

Inspired by my friend Steev, I've decided to see if I can go to Halloween drinking nothing but water. Not to show up Steev (who pledged a month drinking only water), but because about a month ago, I decided to try to see if I could lose 25 lbs by Thanksgiving. Not long after that, I ended up going to NYC for a week, which really throws dieting for a loop. So, to recommit, I'll give up soda and all the rest until the end of October.

I've managed to par down to (mostly) one soda a day, which is better than where i was a while ago, but I think I might do better if I try to just give it up. I feel like I'm still thinking about it too much, bartering with myself reasons why it might be okay to have two today.

The last time I tried to diet, cutting back on soda was the hardest thing for me (along with greasy food). I had almost no cravings for ice cream or cookies, but a plate of fries and an icy coke could send me into a spiral.

So, we'll see how this goes.

i have no idea where i am

i've got so many things going on right now, that i can't seem to blog. my mind can't focus on one topic long enough to write about it.

i spent this past sunday in a haze of sweat and sawdust, working at the Playground with my committee and a prospective member team, doing a much-needed overhaul on the Playground. We worked our asses off for seven hours, and when we were done and things were put away and swept up, we stood in the middle of the stage and realized that the place looked almost exactly the same as it had when we'd arrived that morning. all of our changes were behind the scenes - the old lightbooth (hidden behind a curtain) torn down and the space made into a dressing room; a new ladder and storage in the greenroom; some cleaning in the cleaning storage room; junk thrown out. A non-shaky ceiling fan and some paint touchups were the only changes visible to the casual observer. Nonetheless, we left exhausted, but thrilled with the overhaul. We just need to hang some new lights, and we'll be done.

My boring "introduction to research class" (see previous entries on procrastination) is killing me. thankfully, tonight's class (our next to last) was cancelled. So next week I just have to sit through presentations and I'm done. Oh, except for the 8 articles I have left to read and the 8 analysis I have left to write.

i'm having a yard sale this weekend to clear out some of my clutter and make room for my guy to move in. if you like furniture, books or women's clothes, come on by. I'm having a yard sale with 4 other women, so it should be interesting.

i'm also reinvesting in exercise and a healthier diet. the goal is to lose 30 lbs by Halloween. If I manage it, the candy gorging will be severe.

musings on a vending machine

i've recently developed an addiction to M&Ms. I've always loved them. The anal-retentive part of my loves being able to color-code my food and eat the last 20 or so symetrically (i don't do it with the whole bag. I'm not crazy!)

but recently I seem to get massive cravings for M&Ms on a daily basis. I'm not sure if my body wants the chocolate, or the stressed part of me wants the soothing i receive from organizing colored candy bits.

Don't judge me.

Am I the only one who gets pre-emptively angry at the vending machine if it looks like it might not drop my product, even if it hasn't stopped turning yet?

I said don't judge me!

I think I need a vacation.

the best exercise there is

i went to my gym monday night, and swam for the first time in years. i was amazed by how quickly my muscles tired, and how fast my heartrate and breathing were, right from the start. i used to swim all the time as a teenager, and though i'm out of shape, I was surprised by just how tiring it was. in my head, i have memories of doing 200 meters nonstop with ease. in reality, 50 meters was about all i could manage without rest. i felt good afterwards, though, despite not swimming that much. i'll be keeping it up for sure.

The best part was that the pool was practically empty, compared to the packed cardio machine rooms upstairs.