i can't get no...

As happens to me on occasion, I'm suffering through one of my periodic instances of complete and utter restlessness. It's not boredom - I'm plenty busy. It's just this weird mood I get every few months of complete dissatisfaction with pretty much everything. I can usually solve it, at least for a short term, with travel or some other kind of temporary change.

I can't figure out, though, what causes it. What's the underlying problem that makes me feel so periodically irritated and unhappy with my life? Maybe the changes that are coming, the new job, will help.

Do other people go through this? Do other people live contented lives, and just on occasion stop and look around and say "this is not what I want." Am I leading a life of quiet desperation, and I don't even know it? Am I afraid to take risks, and this dissatisfaction is caused by the fact that I live in a rut of safety?

Don talked today in his blog about taking risks - how without great risk there can be no great reward. He quotes Robert F. Kennedy - "Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly." Maybe this is part of my problem - there are so many things I want, but to get them, I'd have to risk so much.

I want to travel overseas (expensive!), and I've always wanted to working in theater or film production. When going back to grad school, I made the choice to pursue teaching rather than production, because of the financial security aspect. Teaching isn't exactly high-paying, but it's much more stable. I made the decision coming out of college to take an office job, rather than pursue theater or film, because I was scared to risk living a life where I didn't have health insurance or knew where my next paycheck was coming from. I want to teach much more than I want my current job, but not as much as I want the dream jobs I was scared to go for. Financial security, knowing that I'd at least be able to meet my basic requirements without worry, was more important than pursuing my dream career, or pursuing my dreams of travel.

I am also so afraid to risk my emotions. I fear humiliation or pity if my emotions aren't reciprocated. This is a result of low self-esteem, I know. But knowing that doesn't make it an easier to overcome. I want to love and be loved, but I'm so afraid of the vulnerability necessary to achieving it. In growing up, I've learned a lot of things, made a lot of changes, but this fear is one thing I've never been able to let go of, and I worry that I'm dooming myself.

reflections

Soiree DADA is over now, and though part of me is grateful to have so much of my time back, it's a little sad that I won't get to be seeing all these people on a regular basis anymore. The cast was so much fun to be with.

It's the sad nature of short-run theater shows. It's probably similar to working on a movie set. You spend an intense amount of time with a group of people, and then you all go your separate ways, back into your regular lives or on to new projects. It's so difficult to keep up those friendships, even when it's someone you'd really like to remain friends with. At this point, into our 20s and 30s, most of us have as many friends as we can handle (or more). It's difficult to fit a new person into the schedules of our lives, unless both people are willing to work at it.

The other thing I noticed about the DADA show is how many people in my social circle are in long-term relationships. In a cast of 11 and crew of 4, 11 people were married, 2 in long-term relationships, and 2 single. Those are just staggering numbers to me. It seems like every year, I feel more and more like Bridget Jones.

more musings on what's going wrong in my life

I was sitting in a cab heading home this evening, and I suddenly had a scary thought. If I were to disappear, it would likely be a couple of days before anyone noticed that I was missing.

I think this says something about the kind of life I lead. A rather introverted one. If I didn't show up for work for a couple of days, my coworkers would assume I was sick or on vacation. My boss would probably assume that I'd told her I was taking a vacation and she forgot. I don't see my friends every day. If I didn't respond to an email or voicemail, they would assume I was busy - it would probably take three days of non-response before they realized that something was really wrong, because that's just the non-intrusive way we are. My family, I see and speak to even less. Now that I have a roommate, at least temporarily, this might get cut to two days. We aren't really in each other's faces much - if I didn't come home one night, I doubt his first inclination would be "she's dead in a ditch." I am one roommate away from being "one of those...deaths that no one notices for two weeks until the smell drifts into the hallway" (to quote "When Harry Met Sally") and who, in the meantime, has her face eaten by her cats.

I've cultivated a life filled primarily with acquaintances I see occasionally, and friends that I communicate with more online than in person. How did I create this life for myself? Is it the one I really want? Why is it so difficult for me to create close ties? Do I reject people before they have the chance to reject me?

Most of the time, I really do enjoy my solitude. But how do I deal with this feeling that humans are supposed to be part of a pair (something I truly want as well)? That we're all supposed to have another person that is our first phone call, that is watching out for us, just as we are for them? In first grade field trips, everyone is assigned a buddy so that no one is lost or left behind. As adults, we have to find our own buddies. And sometimes, you can be surrounded by people who love you, but who all love some else more. There's an inherent loneliness in not being at the top of anyone's list. That's what being part of a pair, what a relationship, what love, is about - being at the top of each other's lists. Being the one who worries, who remembers, who notices. How do you ignore that ache of never being first and most important?

Why does it all have to be so goddamn complicated.

I've been suffering from insomnia pretty much all week, so if this is maudlin and rambling, please forgive me.

the importance of information

So for the past 6 years, I've been working in promotions and marketing. My degree isn't in marketing, and I don't claim to be an expert. But if there's one thing I've learned, its that when you're trying to promote or sell something, you want to make it look as attractive as possible to your potential buyers.

When you're selling something, you often survey your past audience to find out what they liked and didn't like about the product. You survey potential buyers to find out what they want. This information doesn't usually mean changing the product itself, but changing how you present it, what you emphasize.

We do this in business, because it's about money. The more information we have about how our audience sees our product, the more we can sell and the more money we make. The information is important.

Wouldn't it be amazing if we had that information in our dating lives? Some simple, non-hurtful way of finding out what it is about the way we present ourselves that attracts or repels the opposite (or same, whatever) sex? We do it in sales, and that's just about money. Dating is about our hearts, our happiness, our lives. And because its personal, because we can feel so fragile, we can't wind up a date with "so, if you don't want to go out with me again, can you give me the top three reasons why?"

But think how helpful that "post date survey" would be! I'd love to have had some way to tell the guy who would not shut up with inane stories about every person he's ever met that he'd have had a much better chance at a second date if he'd let me talk for more than 30 seconds with cutting me off to tell another 20 minute story. Or tell handsy-guy that stopping 4 times to try to make out with me while walking me 5 blocks home isn't really appropriate for the second date.

I'm not advocating by any means "changing yourself" to get a date. I'm not suggesting that smart girls act dumb, or girls with good metabolisms order only salad, or guys feel required to pay for everything. But there IS a way to present the better side of yourself, or the possibility that your date behavior isn't quite what you think it is. If only there was a way to get this information from past dates and relationships, in a non-embarassing way.

Getting this information doesn't mean you have to make the change, but it does mean you can become more aware of your behavior, and decide if it is something you want to address. Especially if it is something that came up again and again in those "post date surveys."

For example, I know that when I get really excited in talking about something, I tend to drop the F-bomb a bit more than I might normally, which some might find off-putting.

But what else? I can be sarcastic - do guys find me too sarcastic? Am I overly blunt? Is my habit of dropping inane triva cute or annoying? Are those things I might want to try to temper? I might think I know the annoying things I do, but what if there's something else I'm doing that I'm not even aware of?

Is the fact that I'm smart and don't care who knows it problematic for the guys I date, or the fact that I have some junk in the trunk? Ah, and here's where market research comes in handy for a different reason. Because sometimes its not how the product is presented, it's the audience you're trying to sell to. Sometimes the information you get means you don't change the packaging, you change who you're trying to it sell to.

Anyone who wants to annoymously, but honestly, post in the comments what they think might be some of my dating problems, I'm willing to listen. (This could seriously go to hell in a handbasket)

broken record

yes, all single women my age lament dating. what i'm going to say is probably nothing new. but why is it that for so many of us, finding someone to love, honor and cherish us is considerably harder than getting master's degrees, spending years in a foreign country or overseeing a corporate merger?

i have a hunch that as the children of the first generation of couples to make divorce mainstream, we've all seen too much divorce. even those of us whose parents are still together knew plenty of other kids whose parents weren't. are we less willing to settle into a relationship than our parents were? has all the divorce we've seen made us nervous about settling down?

are we too picky? do we give up too fast? should I have given Mr. Talks-to-much or Mr. Loves-making-out-in-public more of a chance? could there have been someone special behind the annoying, if I was willing to put in the time and energy?

as much as i want to find someone to love and start on the road towards a family, at the same time the idea of trolling for dates online or in bars, trying to find the diamond in the rough, makes me slightly nauseous, knowing that my diamond could be 20 minutes or 20 years down the road. i had so many expectations when I was young, of what my adult love life might be like, and as an adult none of those expecatations have been met, and i'm eyeing 30 wondering what comes next.

part of me wants to set up platonic housekeeping with one of my best girlfriends, get artifically inseminated, and live happily ever after in a walk-up in Lincoln Square.

And let me say this, before anyone tells me "You don't need a man to be happy." No, I don't need a man. I want a man. I believe that humans are meant to be part of a pair, that there is a part of each of us that can only be filled with the unconditional love of a mate, someone who chooses you over all others, who thinks of you first, and who you choose as well.

After living much of my life feeling cut off from most of the people around me, of feeling like I'm not anyone's number one, I crave that sense of intimacy and importance. I want to be that important, and I want someone who is that important.

dating for dummies

Over email today, a friend and I were discussing our dating lives. she feels she is too aggressive in relationships, and it scares guys off. she's currently trying to let the guys in her life make the moves, despite the fact that it feels uncomfortable and wrong to her.

I was told by my mother over Christmas that my intelligence makes men uncomfortable. And that women who "know when to hide their intelligence usually do better with men."

If a guy can't handle the fact that I read books about Lincoln's Cabinet or the Iraq War or black holes for fun, well... what am I going to do?

Do I play down that aspect of myself and let him find out later that I'm a geek? Am I too aggressively intelligent, and make it too much of an issue up front? I'm not some super genius, but I'm smart enough and I read plenty, and I like smart stuff. If I didn't talk about those things that truly interest me, I have no idea what I'd talk about instead.

What do I play up about myself that's going to make a man say "oh, I like HER?" Girls like me are never going to snag a guy with our stunning looks, so personality and brains are what we've got to work with. I'm not saying I'm ugly, but I don't think anyone I know would describe me as "pretty" before describing me as "smart." And that doesn't bother me - that's who I am, that's the part of me I've chosen to focus on. I LIKE being this person, I like who I've become. Does that mean I have to work that much harder to find love, because I have a bookshelf full of non-fiction, flat hair and a larger-than-average pants size?

Here she comes, here comes Speed Dater

I broke new ground and attended a speed dating event last night. For the integrity of all involved, will not say where. Suffice to say, there were some interesting guys, some nice guys, some awkward guys, and of course, a few creepy guys.

It was, surprisingly a better experience than I thought it might be, though the whole thing was kind of a blur by the end. You only get 5 minutes with each person, and things move so quickly, that by the end, it's hard to remember who you've talked to, and what the hell you talked about. But there were actually a few men I'd like to go out with and get to know better. Today I'll get my matches, and we'll see how things turned out...

destiny

i think everyone has TV show crushes. am i right? characters on shows that you are totally in love with, and wish were real people? and if they were real people, you'd go to their houses and stalk them? ok, maybe not the last part.

anyway. what i'm wondering is if our TV show crushes can tell us anything about the kind of people we prefer/date in real life. are those characters similar to our real life loves? opposites?

because if they are similar, i think i might be in trouble. i was thinking about this the other day, and there are basically three TV guys that, if they were real, I'd totally be in love with. all three are basically unconventionally attractive, extremely intelligent, super sarcastic, emotional wrecks. the part that I feel dooms me is that I can see similarities to these characters in my dating past. these TV characters, of course, are more extreme characterizations, but there are underlying similarities that indicate that i am completely attracted to the wrong kind of guy. the kind of guy that puts up a front or shield, that wants nurturing but doesn't want to admit it, that has some sort of emotional damage, that wounds with words.

i think i need to figure this out, or else my dating life could be doomed.

because classic poetry isn't my thing...

I decided to translate Campion's poem (see previous entry) into modern English. 'Cause I'm pretty sure that it will show that men haven't changed one bit.

NEVER love unless you can
Bear with all the faults of man:
Men sometimes will jealous be
Though but little cause they see;
And hang the head as discontent,
And speak what straight they will repent.

Don't fall in love,
unless you're willing to put up with a man' shit
Guys get jealous
without any good reason
They might take you for granted
And say things they regret

Men that but one saint adore
Make a show of love to more;
Beauty must be scorned in none,
Though but truly served in one:
For what is courtship but disguise?
True hearts may have dissembling eyes.

A man may love one woman,
but he has to flirt with many
He's not dead, after all, is he?
But do not worry, you're the one he truly sees
Lust is easy when we wear masks
But love removes all the blinders

Men, when their affairs require,
Must awhile themselves retire;
Sometimes hunt, and sometimes hawk,
And not ever sit and talk.
If these and such-like you can bear,
Then like and love, and never fear!

Men need guy time sometimes
And head into their caves
To drink beer, watch sports and scratch
Good luck getting them to watch a chick flick
If you can put up with this
Then fall in love, and good luck to you

-------------------------------------------
And I was right, men, women and love haven't changed.

For what is courtship but disguise?

a friend of mine was on the bus the other day, and heard a piece of ann old man's conversation, where he said, "For what is courtship but disguise?"

The line intrigued, and she tracked it down to a poem by Thomas Campion.

NEVER love unless you can
Bear with all the faults of man:
Men sometimes will jealous be
Though but little cause they see;
And hang the head as discontent,
And speak what straight they will repent.

Men that but one saint adore
Make a show of love to more;
Beauty must be scorned in none,
Though but truly served in one:
For what is courtship but disguise?
True hearts may have dissembling eyes.

Men, when their affairs require,
Must awhile themselves retire;
Sometimes hunt, and sometimes hawk,
And not ever sit and talk.
If these and such-like you can bear,
Then like and love, and never fear!