Inadequacy

I really wish I could figure out why I feel so awkward in social settings, and then get over it.

I attended two "social functions" on Friday (which is like a record for me).

First was a "teacher appreciation" lunch at my school. During our "in-service" day, we broke for a lunch buffet at a nearby restaurant. Of course, most of these teachers have known each other for a year, if not many years, so coming in at the end of the year as the new kid makes it hard to get to know people. And I am one of those people who has such a hard time talking to people in situations where I don't know many people. My cooperating teacher is nice enough, but she doesn't always remember to introduce me to people, or draw me into conversations, etc, so a lot of time I end up standing back by myself, because I'm too uncomfortable to just stick my nose in.

Later last night, I went to a gathering at a local bar, for a friend who is leaving town for 6 months (to perform in a show in Alaska!). It was mostly people I knew, but even so, I still felt slightly "outside." I tend to feel like I'm the "extra" person. Established groups sit together, talking, and whenever I attempt to join one, I can never seem to blend in properly. I blame me, not them. I just always feel less important, or unnecessary, and eventually I'll move off to try somewhere else, or just sit back and listen.

I don't think it's social anxiety, really. I don't freak out or panic or anything. I just feel like I don't fit in. I suppose it's the self-esteem issues that I've never really solved. I managed, through counseling and medication, to fix so many other issues, but that one never really got resolved. It just seems like, in any group, I always consider myself the lowest rung on the ladder. Like I'm the one you talk to when someone better isn't available. How do you cure that feeling?

Part 2 of 100 Things to Do Before I Die

26. Adopt a dog from a shelter.
27. Swim with a dolphin.
28. Visit Vietnam.
29. Learn to ballroom dance.
30. Write a children's book.
31. Go to Liverpool.
32. Knit a sweater I would actually wear.
33. Take a photography course.
34. Spend a day in a swank spa.
35. Visit all 50 of the United States.
36. Own my own home.
37. Fly a kite on the beach.
38. Be part of a food fight.
39. Host a dinner party.
40. Go skydiving.
41. Visit all seven continents.
42. Drive Highway One with someone I love.
43. Go camping.
44. Visit the Pyramids.
45. Raft down the Colorado River.
46. See a glacier.
47. Own a '68 Mustang convertible.
48. Hike through a South American rain forest.
49. Live in a really small town.
50. Direct a short play or film.

Part 1 of 100 Things to Do Before I Die

Inspired by Maggie Mason's list, I decided to do one of my own.

In no particular order (i.e. as they come to me), here is 1-25 of my list of 100 things to do before I die.

1. See the Grand Canyon
2. Sail around the world in a yacht.
3. Give birth.
4. Swim naked in the sea.
5. Write a book.
6. Visit a medieval European city.
7. Tour Ireland.
8. See the light of learning turn on in a child I teach.
9. Scuba-dive in the Great Barrier Reef.
10. Actually comprehend quantum physics.
11. Teach my own child how to whistle.
12. Learn to play the bass guitar.
13. See a polar bear in its native habitat.
14. Volunteer for a presidential campaign.
15. Participate in an archaeological dig.
16. Find out who really killed JFK
17. Find the love of my life.
18. Take a roadtrip across the US with my best friends.
19. Live in a house by the ocean.
20. Camp out in the desert and watch the stars.
21. Backpack across Europe.
22. Meet Stephen Hawking.
23. Visit the Eiffel Tower.
24. Learn to fly a plane.
25. Mail a love letter.

unemployed

Today was my last day of work. I am now unemployed. I have no job. At all.

My entire identity is changing. I'm no longer "in promotions for a non-profit." I'm a "student." Or a "soon-to-be-teacher." Or "between jobs."

If you want to send a pizza to my house, I'll accept.

in which I whine

*BEGIN WHINING*

Ok, guys. Today is a yucky day. Obama did not do as well as I'd hoped in the primaries last night (CURSE YOU OHIO), and I have some sort of raging infection. Sore throat, swollen glands, achy joints, headaches, phlegm (eww!). Most likely a sinus infection, but possibly a little bout of the flu.

I never get flu shots, because I almost never get sick. Seriously, I've had the flu maybe twice in my life. I get a cold every few years, if that. My biggest illness problem is sinus infections, but that's not something that vaccines or handwashing is going to prevent.

The last time my glands were sore, I had mono, about 8 years ago. They were much more sore, and really swollen - I had to get steroid shots to get the swelling down so I could breathe easier.

But here I am, with swollen glands. My legs ached so much last night I could hardly fall asleep. Four Advil finally did the trick. My throat hurts and I'm coughing.

I have nothing to do at work, really, but I can't really take a sick day. It's my last week, and I have an exit interview today, a going-away party tomorrow (that I should really be here for), and then my last day. And my replacement comes over several times a day for explanations and confirmations, so I'm sort of needed.

So I'm sitting here, coding a website up and getting ready to print resumes, and feeling like total ass. If you've got anything to either distract me or cheer me up, please send it my way.

*END WHINING*

panic attacks

Ok, so I'm trying to start job hunting, and I'm becoming completely overwhelmed by the whole aspect of it.

I have the same job pretty much my entire adult life. And I got it through a temp agency. I've never really had to do a full-scale job hunt. And now I'm starting over again, essentially "unexperienced." I might as well be a 22 year-old college graduate.

It's complicated further by the insane variety of possibilities. Public, charter? Suburban, city? How do I tell if a school has a good and supportive principal, or one that will leave you high and dry? How do I make myself stand out?

What if I don't find a job? Should I get a new roommate to help cover the bills, just in case? What if I can't pay my rent? How will I afford COBRA?

I have this sort of big, acidy pit in my stomach right now...

where I pimp my skillz

On March 28th, WNEP will be holding its annual bowling fundraiser, and what better use of my blog than trolling for pledges? This is one of our company’s most important fundraisers for the year. We generally raise around $6500-$7500 for a night of bowling.

To some of you, my asking for pledges has a familiar ring, and for others, this is a brand new experience.

Here’s how it works:

I get pledges from friends, family, passersby, etc. People can pledge as much or as little as they like. Let’s say you pledge $.05 per pin.

On March 28th, we go to Timber Lanes bowling alley and bowl three games. I generally average, over three games, around 100 pins/game.

Then I email you, tell you how many pins I hit and what you owe me:

300 pins x $.05 per pin = $15.00

Fifteen dollars might not seem like a lot, but from just 10 people, it would net WNEP $150. And that's quite a few set pieces and costumes in our penny-pinching budget.

You can also decide to pledge creatively and give me a dollar per gutter ball, or $.50 per strike. Or you can pledge me to do other things. Two years ago, I was pledged a $10 to goose Don Hall. I think I made $40 on that alone.

If you want to pledge some coinage, please check out our site.

If you need further convincing, you can check out the exciting year we have planned. It includes "Metaluna," more DADA, and some world premieres.

So there you have it. If you can pledge, many thanks. If you can’t, that’s fine too. It will in no way adversely affect our relationship. And to those of you who have pledged in the past, a million thanks for your support!

the life round-up

I've been talking politics a lot lately, so in case you're at all interested, here's what's going on with me...

I have two more weeks in my job. Most of the responsibility is transfered over, so I'm sort of hanging out and helping out with projects, while I wait for my time to run out. It's weird being out of my office and sitting at the extra desk. I'm such a control freak, that I keep getting twitchy.

I got an Xbox 360, which is superfun. Especially now that I have Guitar Hero III. I'm horrible on anything above "Easy", but I'm practicing... alot. Cause I'm a nerd.

This weather is wearing me down, like everyone else. It's winter. WE GET IT.

I lost a couple pounds a few weeks ago, and so far they haven't come back. Once I start teaching, I'll be able to break away from the oh-so-tempting fast food, since there is nothing near my school, and I'll have to brown-bag it every day. I'm guessing this is going to shave off several pounds.

I have a blind date on Monday night. Eeek!

the idealist confesses

i am an idealist.

This past weekend, H. and I were discussing the Democratic presidential candidates over breakfast, debating whether Obama is all flash, and why Clinton doesn't inspire. Who could really get more done? Who could actually win the election?

It's made me think, more and more, about why Obama really appeals to me. And what I have to accept is that I am more of an idealist than a pragmatist. I believe in an ideal world where people actually consider the common good. Where we all agree that of course everyone should have health care and a good education and at least make enough money to feed their family without working a 15 hour day. I'm not so much of an idealist that I favor communism - I don't think everyone should live at the same level. But I also don't think that luck of the draw means that you should automatically have a much greater advantage, or if you do, you should share a little of it with those who were forced to start out a few rungs farther down the ladder. (In the form of taxes to pay for services you don't need, or CEOs who invest in better health care for their employees, rather than taking a multi-million dollar bonus).

I recognize that many (most?) people don't think this way. In the US, you take your advantages where you get them, and get as much as you can for yourself. If someone else has fewer advantages than you, well, that's their fault and their problem.

I recognize that most people think this way, but I don't stop hoping that it will change, that the inherent goodness that I believe exists in most people will override the inherent selfishness that also exists in most people. And it's that part of me that Obama appeals to. The part that makes me think that all we need as a country is someone to inspire us towards that inherent goodness.

The small part of me that is pragmatic knows this is unlikely, and knows that deeds are stronger than ideals. But the battered idealist who has seen the inherent selfishness take centerstage these last few years wants to hope, wants it so badly. I NEED to hope, as I've been disillusioned and defeated for too long. I have to believe that someone who inspires that hope, while maybe not meeting our grossly inflated standards, at least will be able to do a little good, and make us stand a little taller.

transfer of power

I have three weeks left in my day job. My replacement started three weeks ago. That very simple math means a 6 week period to train and transfer my job. Excessive, right?

A big part of the reason for this was that one of my big projects takes place at the end of January/beginning of February, and we wanted her to be able to work on it with me. The downside to this is that we then have about a month after that before I was scheduled to leave.

My job is kinda complicated, mostly because it's lots of small, annual projects, each with its own set of procedures. The fact that no one in my department, not even my boss, really knows what I do, makes it even more imperative that my replacement is well-trained.

However, two people, doing the same job, for 6 weeks, is a bit overkill. It doesn't help that I'm a total control freak, so it's difficult for me to hand stuff off. And its weird to have someone else in my office and answering my phone and doing my job.

I've had this job for almost seven years, so I guess I'm a little possessive of it. The last time I trained someone to take my place in a job, I'd had that job less than a year, and I was staying in the same department. And I like my coworkers and I like the company, so the fact that I'm leaving isn't because I'm really unhappy or anything, so I guess I feel kinda guilty about leaving, and I don't want to leave my department in a lurch.

So, anyway, this is just kinda strange...

shopping makes me ill

I went to Macy's on my lunch break, to see if I could find a suit. I'm STILL trying to get myself a suit to wear for job fairs, interviews, etc. Shopping is hard, and I have a strange body shape (anyone know where to get a good selection of suit separates?)

While in Macy's, I remembered why I hate high-end department stores. It's not just the outrageous prices. It's the fact that their "organization" of women's clothes is ridiculous. According to their organizational style, I'm supposed to care more about who MAKES my clothes, than what the clothes actually are.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm the only person in the world who goes shopping thinking "I really need some black dress pants." Maybe everyone else goes shopping thinking "I really need to pick up some John St. John today."

In this particular Macy's, women's clothes are spread over THREE FLOORS. And organized by designer. So, if I want a suit, I go to the area for one designer, examine the one or two suits being offered, then go to another area, and look at a few more suits, and before you know it, I've walked a 3K and by the time I finally try something on, I'm not longer the same size I was when I picked up the first thing. Good for losing weight, bad for efficiency and bad for my patience.

Why do they have to make this difficult? Put all the suits together in one section. Put all the dress pants and dress shirts together, put all the casual wear together. I don't want to have weave through racks of shorts or blouses or sweaters looking for the one rack of suits in each of the 15 different designers sections. I just want to see all the goddamn suits.

the best kind of peer pressure

A friend of mine was very aggravated by the fact that people were harrassing her to vote yesterday. She said she even saw people asking strangers on the train whether they'd voted yet, that she felt there was an intent to embarass those who hasn't voted.

I got numerous emails from friends reminding me to vote, and phone calls from the Illinois Education Association, the Democratic Party, and the Sierra Club (??) endorsing various candidates.

While I can understand why someone would be irritated to be bugged by strangers to vote, I personally think it's great. Never in my lifetime have I seen people this excited about an election, and we're only at the primaries! I think this kind of civic awareness is inspiring, and for me, it's hopefully a sign of good things to come. I cannot WAIT for November!

I also really excited that I'll be teaching in a classroom come November (hopefully!) so I'll be able to teach about the election process, which will be really fun!

i'm in trouble

I just bought an xbox 360 via ebay. I've been wanting one for over a year, so that I could get Dead Rising (killing zombies!) and Guitar Hero (and/or Rock Band).

If I start playing with an Xbox, it's possible I won't leave my house for a month.

prejudice is all about perspective

This is a summation of a conversation between me and H. a few weeks ago. I kept meaning to post it, and forgetting.

H and I arrive on the northbound platform at Belmont, and as we're waiting for our Brown line train, H. spots some hipsters, two girls and a guy. One of the girls is wearing super-skinny jeans and some really wacked out cowboy boots. The other girl has on a giant, thrift-store '70s sweater. The guy has ripped jeans, an ironic t-shirt, and artfully touseled hair. They have several shopping bags piled around them, from Macy's, Nordstroms, and other high-end department stores.

H: What are they doing up here? Are we getting hipsters in our neighborhood? Do you think they're getting on the Brown line?

me: Well, Roscoe Village is becoming kind of hipster, maybe they're going there.

The Brown line pulls in, and of course, the hipsters board in our car, sitting halfway down the car from us. H and I continue to mutter about them, and they talk quietly among themselves.

H: I can't believe we're getting a hipster infestation.

me: I know, that's the last thing we need. Maybe they'll get off at Paulina.

Paulina is the Roscoe Village stop. They don't get off.

As the train approaches our station, the hipsters stand up and gather their bags. H and I exchange a "oh jeez" look as we line up behind the hipsters to get off the train.

As we walk down the stairs from the platform, for the first time I catch a piece of their conversation.

me: I don't think they're speaking English. I think they're European.

H: I think they're speaking Italian.

me: Oh, well that's okay then. They're foreign, of course they look like hipsters!

H: Why are europeans always cooler than us?

the endless new year's diet plan

So once again, I'm going to try to lose weight. Currently, I weigh 12 lbs more than I did when I tried to lose weight two years ago. Strangly, the pants that I owned then all pretty much still fit - I think I'm putting it on more in my torso than in the lower regions.

But, I'm starting to see the hint of a double chin, and I have some fat in some yucky places. So I really, really need to lose at least 30 lbs, to start. My ideal weight would probably mean losing another 10-20 on top of that. But let's be realistic, shall we? My first goal is to lose 15 lbs.

So, I'm now exercising for 30 minutes at least every other day. I'm cutting back to 1200 calories. I just signed up for an online diary thingy that keeps track of what you eat, how much you exercise, etc.

I started this on January 2, and already I've lost the four holiday pounds I had put on, so now I'm at my pre-holiday weight, so this is where I consider myself to be "starting."

Current weight loss total:
+/- 0

wisdom

"Everytime you can wake up on this side of the dirt, it's a good day. Because you know someone didn't wake up today."

- a woman waiting for the elevator outside my office, talking to a friend

the list

It seems like everyone is doing "2007 in review" posts, so why should I be an different?

In reality, 2007 has felt to me like the holding pattern year. I'm preparing to start a completely new career, so I've been very forward-focused, and I've felt like I'm waiting on a lot of things to start after I make this big switch. But let's see what happened this year:

1. I turned 29. Those of you who did it recently know it's a bit of a mind-fuck. If you're far enough into your 30s, you can poo-poo 29 as no big deal. But it's a number that really makes you evaluate your life and your accomplishments. Especially when your family keeps asking you if "there's anyone special" and "when am I going to get a grandchild?" The fact that I've been working on a master's degree for the past 2 1/2 years is a huge accomplishment all on its own, but in the eyes of my family, that's an intangible, compared to the lack of fruit from my loins. I guess a master's degree and a career change isn't something my family can really understand. They don't live my life, don't know what a change it will be to go into a classroom, rather than spending 8 hours a day chained to a computer. I'm anticipating being challenged for the first time in such a long while!

2. I read a great deal of nonfiction. This year was the year of nonfiction for me. I read about the evolution of civilizations, and how they can destroy themselves. I read about how the changes on earth over history affected the evolution of animals, and caused their extinction, and how that might foreshadow our future. I learned about power and plague in the fall of the Roman empire, and the evolution of the English language. I learned about the determination of Tycho Brahe and the integrity of Abraham Lincoln. I discovered the wonders of the universe, and the dark places in the human psyche. I opened so many new doors for myself, that I have a pile of new books waiting, full of new things to teach me.

3. I put a lot of work into the Playground Theater. For reasons surpassing even my own understanding, I invest a great deal of energy and time into the Playground Theater. Unlike most everyone else involved, I have really never performed there, having realized long ago that being on-stage is just not my strength. But I continue to voluntarily work my ass off to make sure that others who want to perform, can do so. Maybe it's my latent socialist tendencies. Regardless, I spent this year as both the Onsite Manager (including rentals and house managing), and the Treasurer. I feel like I did a lot of good work this year in sorting out some things that needed sorting, and fixing some things that needed fixing (with a great deal of awesome help from Mark Henderson). I'm alternately depressed, and really excited, about where the PG could go in the future. I can only hope that it will remain worth my while.

4. I worked on Soiree DADA with WNEP. This was my second DADA show, and it was even more of a blast that the last one. I love working with Don Hall, and the entire cast was so, so amazing. I got to know some new, great people, and got to spend time with people I really like that I just don't see enough of. The show they created was so, so good, that I felt honored just to sit in the room while they performed it, let alone add my tiny piece to the puzzle.

5. I went on vacation alone. This may not sound like much, but most people have never done it, never flown across the country and spent four days alone, a thousand miles from the safety of anyone who knows your name. There's something liberating about that freedom, the freedom to do whatever you want, whenever you want without checking in with anyone or having to compromise. I had an amazing time and did and saw so many new things, and I was able to just be selfish for a few days, rather than the constant balance of what I want with what others want from me. A vacation alone is something I will try to do every year from now on.

6. I developed a new best friend. While D. has been my best friend for almost 12(!) years and I love her to death, this year I truly became best friends as well with a woman that I met last year(?), who I'm so glad to have in my life. We are so similar in so many ways and get along so well, and it's funny to think that were it not for a workplace both she and D. didn't stay at very long, we would never have met. I respect her, she encourages me to challenge myself, and she often cracks me up. I feel so lucky that H., D. and I are tight friends we've become.

city nuns

Between my office and the Red Line, on Wabash Street, is a Catholic convent. I walk past it every day. The sign outside says "Casa Jesus." Occasionally, I see middle-aged nuns in black habits walking around outside.

This morning, as I passed the the convent, two nuns (in habits) pulled out of the convent garage in a maroon minivan, backing carefully into the street after looking both ways twice.

The nuns pulled up to the corner at the four-way stop, and waited while the car that had reached the intersection before them crossed their path. But then the car behind that one also went, out of turn. He either didn't notice that he was cutting off nuns, or else assumed that nuns are so forgiving, that he could get away with it.

Not these nuns. As the second car crossed their path, the maroon minivan let out a drawn out "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK" that would make any Chicago cabbie proud. You can't pull one over on a city nun.

A Christmas Meme

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
Hot chocolate, mostly. Egg nog on occasion.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
Santa always wrapped. Unwrapping is half the fun!

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?

I like white lights - the colored lights give me a headache.

4. Do you hang mistletoe?
Never.

5. When do you put your decorations up?
Now, I don't put up any, really. I stay with my family for days at Christmas, so it seems silly to decorate my house, when I won't be there.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)?
Turkey and mashed potatoes, with gravy!

7. Favorite Christmas memory as a child?
My sister and I digging into our stockings on Christmas morning. My mom (um, I mean Santa) always had a stocking for each of us with candy and some small toys. We were allowed to open our stockings before my parents got up, but everything else had to wait.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
I don't even remember. I'm guessing at school, I think in first or second grade. I do remember my mom making me pretend for a few years, for the sake of my younger sister.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
When I was a kid, we opened one gift on Christmas Eve, after we got home from Grandma's house. Now, as adults, we save them all for Christmas morning when my sister comes over from from her house (since I'm already staying at Mom's).

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree?
I don't have one right now. Once I start celebrating Christmas in my own home, I'll get one. I do have several of my childhood ornaments saved, including a giant clay-fired gingerbread man I made in first grade that weighs about 2 lbs.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it?
Now, I kinda love it. As a kid, we usually didn't get much. Now, I like it, until I have to slush around in it.

12. Can you ice skate?
You could call it that, though I'm better at falling down.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
No, but one thing I do remember is that once I was in college, and for several years after, my mom would always give me a box full of sundries - shampoo, underwear, toothpaste, etc. so that I wouldn't have to spend money on that kind of stuff for a while.

14. What’s the most important thing about the Holidays for you?
Remembering to be nice to people, even when they are forgetting.

15. What is your favorite holiday desert?
This german cookie my grandma used to make. We called them "radakuchen" - I don't know their real name, or what's in them. They're a hard, vanilla-flavored cookie, covered in powdered sugar. My uncle has the receipe now, and still makes them every time we have a family party.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
Getting together with my mom's side of the family (her parents and brother and sister, and their families) on Christmas Eve. As sappy as it is, and as much as my cousins and I try to make our parents "forget", I love when we sing Christmas carols together. It's mostly hilarious, because we're all horrific singers, but we do it anyway.

17. What tops your tree?
My mom always had a traditional angel.

18. What is your favorite Christmas Song?
I like the melancoly, so I've always loved "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas."

19. Favorite Christmas Movie?
Full-length movie, Scrooged, hands down. Of the Holiday shorts, I like the Rankin-Bass specials, like Rudolph and Twas the Night Before Christmas.

20. What do you leave for Santa?
When I was a kid, my mom and sister and I used to bake sugar cookies using a press, so we could make little trees, wreaths, etc. We'd use food coloring on the dough. Santa always got some.

beauty isn't free

Just for fun, I started looking into the costs of living in central coastal Califonia. Nothing like cold reality to ruin a misty dream.

Basically, the cost of living is so radically different between Chicago and the San Francisco Bay area, that the transition would be really difficult, financially. In most areas, apartments are about double what they are in Chicago, and I'd have to pay for a car there, as well. Unfortunately, teacher salaries in the area aren't really concurrent with the housing prices.

Maybe it will change in the next few years, or when I start to look at moving, I could start out moving to a more urban area (the eastern side of the pennsula), and give myself a year or so to get financially established before moving somewhere closer to the coast.

More and more, I think I'm about done with living in the city. Feeling anonymous in crowds, the light pollution and the noise, the giant billboards and ads trying to sell me something everywhere I look. I want to look out and see mountains on the horizon, rather than skyscrapers. I want to be able to have a dog, and spend weekends at the ocean or in the mountains. I want sea lions rather than pigeons. I want to know the people around me.